What I want this space to be but it’s probably just wishful thinking

I’ve been gripped with a gnawing fear of posting in this blog for a long time. Many a time, it’s the fear that these words do not have any sort of authority behind them. I’ve slinked away from the public sphere into a more private cocoon because most of the time I find that sharing my personal anecdotes to be rather narcissistic and repulsive. And yet, I keep returning to the point that I’m failing in my journey to write better because I don’t write anymore.

I can’t say that I’ll be writing more. I still rely on inspiration rather than discipline to build this blog’s authenticity and credibility. I rely on lazy mechanics like “brain-to-screen”, or just typing whatever comes to mind. It’s conversational, intrinsic and insipid. Furthermore, I have no idea why anyone would want to read the mindless ramblings of this individual who has not accomplished much in this thirty-five years on earth. I feel average in my accomplishments, I feel terrible for some of my bad habits, though I feel great in my growth as a partner to my wife, though I go back to feeling terrible for the times I’ve let her down, and let us down.

I also don’t want this place to be about my dissatisfactions, although I do feel some sense of release when I share about the things that have been weighing me down. And therein lies another trip-up, I am concerned about over-sharing, or sharing in general about my insecurities and failures because this is the Net, and people can use that against you when you least expect.

But I also don’t want this to be about shiny happy people and inspo-porn. I don’t want it to be a narcissistic lake of my own life and it’s reflection either. In the end, maybe I don’t know what I want this blog to be even. And I can’t believe I’m subjecting you to reading that when it should perhaps only be words for me to read, on my own.

So maybe I want to improve, and I want to be more real, and I want to be more unadulterated as a writer, blogger or maintenance guy for this domain. I would like my writing in here to be part of my self-improvement. And unsurprisingly, it’s not so much the output or the finished product that proves that I’ve been on a path of improvement, but the process of writing in here that I hope to improve. I *feel* good when I write in here without caring about how these words are taken. At least not yet. Currently, it feels *nice* to type in this box, and just ramble away, not knowing how this story ends.

And when it does end, nothing really changes. Not on my insides, not in your world. Not in this universe. Just words on a screen that were without intention, at least for now. How much more must I write before what I write matters? Perhaps never. But maybe I can journal in here, and if you like what you read, maybe you’d like to stay, and if you didn’t like what you read, then you can leave. I don’t think I’ll mind.

Time for time

A new year begins and another year starts. It’s amazing isn’t it? That we have this way of quantifying time down to a science, and yet it only works on this planet in the entire universe.

The earth rotates entirely on it’s own axis 365 times before it makes one orbit around the sun. For each rotation, it takes 24 earth hours or 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds. That’s 31,536,000 seconds or 525,600 minutes or 8,760 hours for each rotation around the sun. And then, a “year” passes.

Within the space of a “year”, many different things happen to us, that affect our perception of how our “time” has been spent. For me, I’ve spent slightly over a a “year” working in an art museum and within that “year” I got married to my beautiful wife. Our wedding celebrations lasted roughly 4 hours, and we probably spent maybe a thousand hours planning for it. From that, we can look forward to spending another 350,400 more hours together, or 40 years if anyone’s counting.

For things that we’re planning for this “year”, another hundred-plus hours finalising the renovation plans for our new home, spending the median of 2,430 hours in the office working and to achieve our professional goals, and 6,330 hours for life outside the office to enjoy the company of each other, our families, our friends and ourselves.

What I’m driving at with this post, is that our budgetary allocations for time aren’t always optimised. I’m definitely guilty of spending time rather than investing time. Worse, I’m guilty of wasting time. Usually carving out some excuse that I need to “not-do” or “not-be” so that I can achieve some sort of even-keel to better spend or invest my time in some future activity. Even now, this is happening.

I’m sorry for wasting your time if you’ve read this, I’m not all there currently. I’m pretty stressed from looming deadlines, and I thought this writing exercise would help me overcome that, but it’s not.

Dinosaur Jr.’s J Mascis Shows How to Turn a Guitar into a Flamethrower

J Mascis

You can tell a lot about a guitar player if he can’t do that convincingly. (Note: two-note string bend)

It seems so easy, like… metal guys just shred it out and there’s no resistance.

Matt Sweeney

Resistance and struggle is part of the vibe for you?

J Mascis and Matt Sweeney so clearly articulated the reason why I’m drawn to certain types of music more than others.

[Video] Dinosaur Jr’s. J Mascis Shows How to Turn A Guitar into a Flamethrower via Noisey

Mastodon – Toe To Toes (In Studio Performance)

I have seen these words before
I have felt these colours
I have known you for so long
When we ran in circles

For our sake
I will wait for you

I walk alone, into the darkness
I came toe to toe and face to face with the beast
He knew me by my name, it was surprising
He knew everything about me that I despised

Side Note: This one hit me like a sledgehammer. The vocals were probably the first things that grabbed my ear, and there was something so heartfelt and earnest that I hadn’t heard in a long time. Quite rarely, I also paid really close attention to the lyrics and was pulled in by a strange gravitation. I wanted to know what Sanders and Hinds were pouring their hearts into, because it stirred something in me. Some deep emotion of losing control, hoping a good thing, or just hope in general, albeit a misplaced hope.

Steely Dan – Deacon Blues (Live at Pine Knob Theatre, 2000)

I’ll learn to work the saxophone
I’ll play just what I feel
Drink Scotch whisky all night long
And die behind the wheel
They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues

Side Note: RIP Walter Becker. Thank you for the blessing of your music.

The War On Drugs – An Ocean In Between The Waves (Live on KEXP)

Feel the way that the wild wind blows through the room
Like a nail down through the heart
That just don’t beat the same anymore
That might as well be gone

And there’s a haze right between the trees
And I can barely see you
You’re like an ocean in between the waves

Side Note: I first heard the band’s music about two years ago in 2015, but could not get into them until recently. Back then, I heard ear-marked their music in a playlist, but every time their music came on, I dismissed it as self-indulgent and trying too hard. However, one long drive home late one night, their music came on and this time it stuck. As the album played on, I landed on An Ocean In Between The Waves, specifically the second guitar solo and outro, and it was a very intense and melancholic and somehow it sucked me in. Maybe it’s the repetitive rhythm section contrasted against the expressive melodic instrumentation that gives their music the tension that so often reels me in. Or perhaps it’s the way Adam Granduciel sings and weaves his words together through song that seems like a wind blowing through an empty room; telling stories to the ghosts of the past.

Then live till you die 

In the final episode of Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron Blooded Orphans, the usually quiet Mika rallies the remnants of Tekkadan with a firmness and quiet confidence so rarely seen, but so keenly felt.

Orga said once, that he wanted to laugh his head off with everyone when we got there. Orga isn’t with us anymore. Yet… His words are still alive within me. His orders still hold true for me. So I will follow them with all I’ve got. Anybody who gets in my way, in the way of Orga’s orders… I will crush every one of them with everything I’ve got. No matter who it is. Got it? Okay.

Then, he ends on this great note.

Then live till you die and carry out his orders.

  • Mikazuki Augus, Gundam Iron Blooded Orphans, Episode 49

Thoughts on being loved

I give thanks that I am loved.

It might be presumptuous of me, but I think I’m fortunate. Lucky. Blessed.

Whatever force you believe in, random sparks of life, or meeting of the fates, it’s really quite incomprehensible. 

How could this be? For if I loathe myself so much, that someone else could find love in their hearts. The generosity of it all. That we could be so selfless to another being, when we are also so selfishly absorbed in our own machinations, that another could be considered.

Thus, what other response is there to give to the faith placed in you, except to give the very best of yourself in return?