harmless? bananas!

I originally intended to write this entry in my physical journal, because it deals with a trough of weakness I’m going through right now. But then, there’s a rebel part of me that goes against everything my public relations hardened mind tells me about just baring everything on one’s blog.

By everything, I of course mean the burdens that I’m carrying right now, or perhaps gotten myself into when left to my own devices. There are still certain no-go zones when I blog, and that’s venting about other people. But this is me, and why I blogged to begin with. I’m not perfect, and it’s easy to portray an image of strength on your own blog. But today, I am weighed down at some decisions I have made, or have not made. And if I can’t share that on my own blog, then this whole online thing, becomes less real. To me at least.

I’m increasingly concerned at my state of unemployment. I thought I had a plan to go into teaching, and I did some relief teaching for awhile. But it was quite a trial, I mean, kids were unattentive, there’s a lot of work that goes on outside of teaching, and in a nutshell, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to balance my life with such a vocation.

So I thought of going back to what I used to do, Public Relations & Marketing. I found a position that I didn’t mind doing, because the organisation is of interest to me. I’d made it to the final round of interviews, and was supposed to get a call today to inform me if I got the job or not. I didn’t get a call, and the disappointment really sank in. I was really looking forward to this being a way out of my wavering to teach full time, but no call.. and I guess I crumbled.

It’s a bit premature to go into a panic, because I can always call the organisation up tomorrow and see where I’m at, so I can plan my next steps. But, just as a precaution, I started looking for other jobs online. But y’know what? There’s nothing out there that I really want to do! I left the agency life for a reason. In fact, I’m not too sure what affinity I have for brands and marketing speak, to so-call.. walk that talk. I’ve.. moved on from pledging allegiance to an emotion I feel toward a product. It’s just rather pragmatic for me now. I know what I like, and need.. and believe I have enough good taste to make the right choice as a consumer. Me trying to sell something only as part of a job.. Maybe I’m too much of an idealist, but I’m not too sure if I could do that anymore. To you, if you’re reading this.

And so, I think about teaching again. This pingpong-ing of emotions seems so fleeting, so selfish, and so immature. Like I don’t really know what I want. And it’s true, I don’t exactly know.. it’s like I’m stuck in a perpetual loop of impressionable teenager who dreams of saving the world. But that’s where I am, and if I can’t share that on my blog, maybe I don’t deserve to wield this publishing tool.

And then, who’s to say that the teaching thing will work out? That’s what scares me, I feel like I’m running out of options and time to becoming a productive member of society. I fear that patience will wear thin, and someone will slap me in the back of my head and scream “SNAP OUT OF IT!”

I’ve said it before, no one teaches you to be an adult, but good golly gosh, do you learn!

This many not have been the wisest thing to publish online, but what’s a personal blog if you can’t pour your heart out on it anymore?

After everything, all the music, the bright lights, the plans, the dreams, the tasks, the recuperation, the people and the words, especially the words, because they are the last expression of my self to the world. I realise in the dead quiet of the night, when no one else watches, listens, reads or watches, that were it not for You, I would be all alone in this world.

It’s true isn’t it? The way we express ourselves, stems from the terrifying fear of being alone. With our expressions, our applications, our identities, the elements we hold in our core, they really are screams out into the silence within our souls that we want to be held, embraced and even spoken to.

I don’t know why today yielded such a nihilistic outlook, nor I do not think that there were any distinguishable experiences that caused optimism to crack. No. It was and always has been an amalgamation of good and bad experiences. These are the rules of life, there will be joy, and there will be heartbreak, no one is spared the rod. But tonight, I think I see a little clearer, with a little more poignancy, how we are all alone within our heart of hearts despite all the good things.

Nor do I wish to discount the good things and people that happen in our lives, but regardless of how wonderfully majestic they all are, there is an eternal void that no transient element can fill. Memories fade, precious metals rust, emotions wane and people die. No, I stand convinced that knowing the eternal You, has been the one constant in my life so far, that allows me to treasure what transience we have and yet hope that I can still be embraced in the everlasting. I understand a little bit more, how You are there in the good, despite the bad, and most importantly..

How You stand with me along the crevice of the abyss, for I would have fallen in a long time ago.