One of my favourite quotes, because it so easily captures just how I feel about so many things. Captain America is a supersoldier, he was a soldier in World War 2 who was given superhuman strength & agility, and is one of the most brilliant military tacticians. He has 1940’s values, and believes in good and evil. Things are very black and white to him.
But in this story, he gets a second lease of life in the twenty first century, and the black and white between good and evil has turned to grey. To make matters worse, earth is on the verge of an alien invasion that seeks to destroy all human life as we know it. For once, the things that make Captain America, one of the greatest superheros the good guys has seen, is at a loss.
He is completely impotent.
His mind, strength, agility and values do not come into play, when you’re trying to fight off a planet-sized threat. And that is the conundrum I face tonight.
I come home, read the news about Yong Vui Kong, who is on death row, yet his family is fighting every second of the day, to appeal for clemency from the president. They are not giving up despite the odds, overwhelmingly stacked against them. I read about the control our current government tries to impose on us, I read of a lot of disgruntled complaints about the world that we live in.
And I’ve stood up for a few causes, I’ve tried to be involved and make it my fight too. But the thorn in my side, is that we can never truly be the people who always stand up for justice, or what’s right. Sometimes we also just want to bury our faces in the sand, and pretend that the world’s great and all. I just got my paycheck, and I just blew $40 on Grand Theft Auto 4. I’m thinking of playing it as soon as it gets downloaded. I’m thinking of all the marketing I want to do for my band(s), and even how I’m going to reorganise my life in preparation for my new job in September.
It’s a constant struggle to tow the line, between what’s right for you, and what’s right for society. There are personal and public battles to be fought, and sometimes, I just don’t see the distinction anymore. It taxes me out emotionally more than anything else. It drains me to care. And yes, sometimes, I just feel so impotent.
So weak and powerless, that there are actually so little things I can change, with my two hands, mind, heart and soul. There is a limit, to how much of a fuck I can give. Sometimes I’m near the limit, sometimes I have too much to give.
I don’t have all the answers, but one thing’s for sure, something ain’t right with this world, and when you put your finger on it, it really is an evil too big to hit.
Hopefully bu Tuesday, the cast on my left arm can be taken off, and I can finally carry on with my life per normal. Be that the case, I reckon I’ll miss it somewhat. The conversations I get from random strangers, the way I clumsily try to get things done, or cover it with a plastic bag with each shower. If anything, it was the very strange experience of effectively having only one arm.
Not being able to physically do many things, meant that my mind went on overdrive, but was still paced with not being able to follow through with physical action, that resulted in more detailed thought processes that ensured economy of motion to maximise effectiveness.
It’s funny how it takes a disability to teach you that, step back, don’t immerse yourself in the trenches, and forget the campaign that needs fighting.
Why so militaristic?
I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way my brain draws connection to the concept of strife and obstacles. When I was in the army, that was probably the only time I had to rely on a fighting spirit to see me through certain exercises, that right now it’s just a reflex, conditioned response.
I’m a fighter, not a lover.
And so, I’m thinking about the two or three weeks of break time I will have before I finally start teaching (for real.) Yes, I really am going to be a teacher. I have a contract with the Ministry of Education to teach English and Social Studies. It’s finally happening, life is starting to happen again. While I’d been working for the past two months, it’s only been a short term arrangement, whereas this new arrangement, will be more long term, and I can start rebuilding my life and relationships around this new arrangement.
It’s going to be pretty exciting, I’ve never been more fired up about trying to juggle my bands, commitments and writing engagements all at once. I’ll have to choose carefully just where my time goes. But I think this time away from regular work, while tough in terms of surviving, or having a life (little cash flow), has really opened my eyes and broadened my horizons past my perceptions of my previous industry. I think I’m walking into this new chapter with a whole new set of priorities, and my only wish is that I can finish as well as when I started, hopefully for the better.
But yes, there are some new toys that I really want to purchase, that will allow me to pursue other aspects of my craft to a new level. This is a benefit of having direction I suppose. It focuses your thoughts, and channels your energy into a generator that actually converts it into a usable fuel.
And so with that, here’s to new chapters, new directions and constant surprises.
But very, very fulfilled. It’s been the craziest month and a half so far, and I think that things will finally slow down after next week before I start the next phase of my life.
What’s transpired?
- started part time work
- handling bookings for band
- broke my wrist
- saw a friend get married
- saw a friend off as he left for the states
- watched broken social scene
- got involved with the Youth Olympic Games
- wrote two blog posts that made its rounds
- one got a minister’s attention, and tonnes of haters ragging on me
- taping a segment with my band, for a TV programme. no idea what’s going on
And that’s just mid July to August.
My reservist deferment got resolved, so now I will start teaching in mid September.
But before that happens, I’ll have the party of parties, as one last hurrah. I just one to get pissed, dance till dawn to my favourite tunes, and favourite people, even the ones who make me awkward.
I’ve been typing in this space, it’s less pressurising than typing in the other blog, perhaps because there are less people reading. It’s a bit weird, on the one hand, as an extrovert, I thrive on the praise and energy of external sources, but in the same way, I’m being reflexive and afraid that I’ll never measure up, and the last thing I want to do is to over compensate.
But it’s been a good night. I went down to Home Club after work with @ambarvalia, @kosherjellyfish and @bioanarchism, to catch Lunarin play, but throughout the night, I kept meeting so many different people, it was hard to keep up with. Tat Yang, Roland, Jordan, Kevin, Charan, Willy, Edder, Dottie.. I feel a tad bad, because I didn’t really know where my attention was supposed to be focused.
There are a couple of things on my mind right now, but I know there’s nothing I can do to change anything by just thinking or worrying about it. I guess change will only come if I’m willing to do something about something.
So on that cryptic note, I will say goodnight, because having to work tomorrow and to earn a paycheck, is equally important.
I’m still in a cast, for another two weeks. I acquired a displaced hairline fracture along my radius three weeks ago playing football at my friend’s stag party, and was on a half cast for about three weeks. Just yesterday, I went back to the hospital hoping that I would be free of the cast, but alas, they put me back in a full cast this time round, for a period of two weeks.
But it’s not so bad. For starters, the full cast is way more comfortable than the half cast because it’s made of this interesting gel that hardens once it gets wet (and subsequently dries). It’s much lighter than those plaster casts, and my fingers have slightly more maneuverability, in fact, I can even still play bass with a few tricky finger positions. The only downsides are that I cannot rotate my wrists, and there’s a portion of the cast that blocks half my palm making it impossible for me to play chords, or my xbox.
But yeah.. another two weeks, and I’ll be free from this prison my left hand is in. It really does limit the things you can do, and even though you sort of get used to it, things are never really the same. It makes me think of how people adapt to the hurt they go through, and while it’s admirable that they go through life, I suppose it’s easy to forget that things are never really quite the same.
I suppose I will be a bit more empathetic after this injury heals, but for some, the battle scars are more obvious, and with way more impact.
Distillation is the process of purification. It calls for only the purest essence to be collected at the end of the process. It’s a tall order, but I wish that more things in life were distilled. Cut out the BS, say what you want to say, deal with the circumstances with a surgical precision that leaves only the smallest of scars.
But we’re not the pure entities we wished we were. Despite the maturity I’ve gained as a result of not always getting what I want, I don’t think I’ve developed a hard heart that doesn’t break when I can’t give you what you want. It hurts me that I will hurt people, simply for being the person I am, and the choices I make. It makes me irate that I cannot be all things to all people, that as much as I have the ability to love, I will always have the capacity to hurt as well.
And in that sense, the singular, distilled thought, is that I am still that much immature, if I still believe in happily ever afters.
A pregnant pause. This screen has been left blank for about three hours ever since I switched my laptop on, after a pretty long, but epic day.
I don’t know if it’s because I can’t find the words, or if it’s because my left arm is still in a cast, but for now, the words aren’t really flowing. But that’s always the problem isn’t it? Every time I live, and I come face to face with a blank canvas, I feel as if I’ve given my all, and still, yet this great, empty screen, demands more from me.
But the last few days have gone by in a blur for me. After sending Kairen off on Thursday, and I finally made it home at about midnight, I sat down to write a post commenting on some things that had been going on in Singapore’s music scene. I’m glad it’s been receiving traction. It feels to have written something that resonates with an audience you’ve been trying to reach out to. But it’s very draining, to either write at the level regularly, or to have the discipline to do it daily. But I suppose once my arm recovers, I’ll look at ways I can find an audience for Singularity Industries.
I suppose it also calls into question, how else I want to run my online assets. I’ve been thinking of starting another blog, one that isn’t so serious, but focuses more on my geeky tendencies, and actually e a repository of my version of cool. I already have a title and tag line for it, but I’ll keep it secret for now.. because I’m going to launch it soon. I just hope I can keep up.
And then there suddenly has been an influx of gigs for Leeson, so that’s a good thing, and Shelves will be recording pretty soon. Plus I’m entertaining thoughts of another musical project.. and school is starting in September.. so there are many things to look forward to. It’s almost like, the past ten months that I’d been quiet for, never happened. I got the rest I needed, and things are picking up again. God is good in that way. In some ways, I feel I’ve drawn closer to him, or rather he’s drawn closer to me, and there are certain stress fractures I see in our relationship, mainly because of my own doing.. but I suppose at the end of the day, I just want to do the right thing.
And so here I am, Sunday, at three in the morning still blogging, even after an epic Saturday. There was a lot of fun, I loved the company I was with, good people, good fun, good talks, good art, good music. days like these are pretty rare, when things work out, parking lots found, good food, absolute steals from the music shop.. let’s just take our respite when it comes.
And with that, I suppose I will fall asleep after reading some pages from a book I borrowed.
