It’s been another long, tiring day, surviving on four and a half hours of sleep again. I really need to make an effort to get enough rest to allow me to get through the next day, and maybe enjoy my time off work better.

Today’s lessons were a mixed bag. There was some improvement of participation in some classes, but there were others that were a total nightmare! There was a particular one that had 40 students in total, all the way from Secondary One to Secondary Four.. and I guess I got the full brunt of disruptive students. It really is a minority that sap all your strength, and can make you question your resolve, or why you’re doing this in the first place.

Also, one of the teachers came to talk to me and thank me for my efforts, as well as share a bit more about the school. As we chatted, it became startlingly apparent that I was only tasting the full workload and responsibilities of a teacher. As you can imagine, I am starting to doubt if I actually have it in me to make this a career and change my own life.

As I made my daily pilgrimage to the kopitiam near my house after work, I was watching this video from the Monocle Podcast. It’s about Thandi Wines, the first Vineyard and Wine Company managed by a black collective in an industry dominated by white men, until now. Do watch the video, it’s quite inspirational seeing their general manager talk with so much passion about what he does, why he believes in it, and why he knows it’s the right thing to do. This passion translates into energy, and the application of knowledge, experience and labour in an economical and profitable manner. And like he says, improving the lives of his fellow men.

So it got me thinking about my own passions. Passion to teach and nurture that is. Or passion to come up with lesson plans, or improve the quality of education. What exactly is it? And what will allow me to come to work daily, full of purpose? Courage and strength to change what I can, and wisdom to accept what I can’t. I’m still a bit unsure, there are plenty of noble things that come with teaching, but the reality is that it is a lot of hard work, a lot students who don’t care, who don’t fit in.. and while there is nothing morally wrong, or factually wrong (if there’s a statistic for success vs. failure), and people always fall through the cracks.. I do wonder if the acceptance that one teacher cannot save everyone is throwing in the towel, or being realistic.. to apply energies more economically to helping those that want help.

I suspect this is one of those things where it cannot just measured by pros and cons. I have a sneaking suspicion that the cons might outweigh the pros, but I do wonder if that’s what its like to be in the civil service. But one of my main concerns is, will there be a work-life balance? Will workflow be more streamlined the longer I stay in this field, and not need to spend so much energy performing the most basic of tasks. I hope the realisation comes sooner than later.

So it was the second day for me at my relief position, and I haven’t been sleeping much because I’ve been staying up preparing lesson plans and materials. It’s a bit draining when you don’t really have a template to follow, and each class and student almost feels as if you need a customised approach.

I’m not going to pin the blame on any system, as I’m still too green to critique on that, but I do recognise my general inexperience to the teaching profession. Already I can see that I need some sort of text, syllabus or format to be more effective in my preparations and planning. Also I’ve nailed a rough system, that given more time, I can apply the following methodology more effectively.

1. What do I want my students to learn?

2. What teaching methods will I use?

3. What teaching aids and materials will we need?

4. How do I assess the the aptitude of my students for the topic?

5. How do I assess the effectiveness of the methods and material?

6. How can I make this lesson interesting?

But lastly, the relational aspect of handling a class of youths is something that constantly changes, and the teacher has to be quick on his or her feet to improvise when necessary.

I almost liken each lesson to be a sort of performance, that should connect with the audience on a level that allows them to take something away. Hence, being able to effectively present will do justice to the due diligence that happens during the preparation phase. Maybe the flow for each of my lessons should look something like this:

Preparation -> Delivery -> Revision -> Assessment

But perhaps the tip I want to remember most, is what was shared by Uncle Soo Inn, “Be real. Care for the students. Learn from your fumbles. Trust in God. You are going to be ok. ”

I ask myself this question a lot, because as I have equal number of people who do understand my desire to switch to teaching as opposed to continuing in the media industry (note: as of writing this, I am still waiting as to whether I will be granted an interview with the Ministry of Education), I probably have an equal number who express surprise when I tell them of my decision.

One of the biggest changes, is probably the glitz and glamour perpetuated by the media. The cars, the events, the fashion, the celebrities. If anything, I suppose that’s where I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin, the need for things to be sexy. I try to be more practical in the way I choose to live my life, and with the constant trends and wants, you never really attain that. There’s always something that sells news, and I’m not comfortable with that. I know it’s paradoxical when I prefer things to work silently when I perform in a band, but I think working in public relations has showed me how much news is manufactured, or basically most things in the media are manufactured. The mechanics involved break down the illusion of the lifestyle.

I’m not trying to bad-mouth anything, I still have tremendous respect for my peers, who are making a living for themselves. We all have different callings in life, I suppose mine isn’t to live the life I left behind. The thing is that in the long run, I’ll still be making music, I’ll still be blogging, and I’ll probably still be excited about the same things, perpetuated by the media or not. I still like and dislike the media, but if there’s a difference in leaving the industry, is that the media isn’t my life anymore. It’s probably going to be something else.

That’s the problem with me, when it comes to pursuing a craft or profession, I tend to take on the role of a method actor, where I don’t do so well at compartmentalisng my life, separating personal from professional. I tend to integrate facets of both to create a unique product, that somehow becomes the life i live. It makes me give more than I should, and also receive less than expected. It’s not meant to be transactional, I don’t particularly excel at that, hence I’m not a shrewed businessman.

All in all, I’m also looking for personal satisfaction, and hence I’m willing to give up certain material things, at a shot at more intangible contentment. Perhaps I’m getting rid of peripheral distractions, and looking more into intrinsic factors.. will I live to regret anything? I hope not, afterall, life is too short for regrets, and maybe I don’t need much to be happy.

I really should not be staying up into the wee hours of my friend’s home playing Borderlands. It’s messing with my sleep cycle, and turning me into a vampire. But I pray it doesn’t take me over, fight the evils of nocturnalism!

I usually stay up late, but even this is getting a bit ridiculous. In fact, I think one of my goals is to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, if I’m going to get the hang of the teacher thing in the future.

Oh yeah, by next weekend, I’ll find out if I’ve been given an interview to try out for Teaching. It’s a big step and change for me if I get it. But I think it’s a positive change, it’s a career I see myself in, and I’m motivated to go far, even as a civil servant. I suppose there’s a sort of stigma with civil service vs. private sector work, but I don’t think I’m a particularly profit driven individual and I welcome the change if I get it. That at least is my thought process.