Journal

Charmless

Michio Kaku

There’s a whole bunch of stuff on my mind (again) and it’s silly that this blog space gets turned into a ranting board. But, sometimes maybe you just have to write about what’s on the inside, and see if it makes any sense on the outside.

Still, I suppose I would like to at least pen down the things that have happened to me of late, even if it’s just for posterity.

I suppose one of the events that has affected me the most, is the losing of my MacBook Air, iPad 2 and satchel bag. It’s not the first time I’ve lost things, but a couple of things stand out. How branded all the things I have are, and how much I’ve used those devices to distract my attention. It’s almost excessive, when I had the Air and the iPad, I mean, I already had a working computer and an iPhone, technically I didn’t need those things, but I got them anyway, and I built my free time around them. Whether it was reading, or just having them around, to charge my iPhone or write on the go, even if they were just security blankets, or a lifeline to the world of technology.

Still, even after losing them, I’m not severely handicapped. If anything, I don’t really miss them as much as I should, since I’ve almost gone back to the life that was before purchased those products. Mainly, it’s been simplified in a way, and I can think of how to organise all my information again, in a way that makes sense, and if I need to write, or do work, maybe I’ll have to build the decision to do it in a fixed place rather than at the whim and fancy of random chance.

So there’s that.

And then there’s the inevitability of having to look for work pretty soon. A full-time job that is. My time as a part-timer is coming to a close, and as I think of certain responsibilities and obligations, it’s high time I look for that job soon. I don’t know if it’s just about caving in to society’s pressures, but it would seem awfully selfish to just do things for myself without sparing a thought for my family and future family. But I also seem to be at peace with it already. I’m pushing 30, and I’ve taken my music and bass talents a long way. The musical journey is by no means complete, but I think I’ve had a great run, and I suppose I’m also starting to feel a little tired, and a little concerned that I might not be able to provide in the future.

And then, as part of my efforts to get back in the game of communications, I think it’s also high time I start blogging regularly (again). I don’t know why this issue keeps popping up, but it just seems so secondary compared to all the other things that I’ve been busying myself with (aka. living) But, the desire is still there, to have some sort of publishing power, and to be able to share my tastes and opinions to a wider world. Maybe it’s narcissistic, I can accept that. And maybe it’s because I’ve lost an audience that’s why I don’t feel the obligation to write anymore. *shrug* who knows?

I’ve been thinking that I should come up with some sort of editorial calendar and routine for myself, just as an effort to better myself and not just go on living from day to day (though I plan my schedule a month in advance, but on free days, I become rather listless). But yeah, a routine for writing, getting back into shape and improving on my music are all things I would like to do rather than just getting caught up in the current and vainly planning a schedule.

Perhaps it’s just a frustration that I’m plateauing, and I don’t like that one bit. I also don’t like getting out of my comfort zone, so you can see how there’s a conflict of interests. Hah, such a petty boy I am.

Oh well, I suppose I feel a tad better just letting it out. I’ll re-read this soon enough and see if there are anyways I can incorporate my verbal diarrhea into actions to better my life. Aw fuckit, I think I just wrote myself a self-help book. And I hate self-help books. I think they’re pure drivel, and they prey upon the insecurities of people just to reap a profit from people who don’t know how else to spend their money. But I suppose that’s hypocritical of me. I suppose I don’t like inspirational quotes as well, because they all sound like they’re mocking you. Maybe I’m just bitter. But I like eating bittergourd. Maybe I’m just a little bit messed up, but thats okay, wouldn’t you say?

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